Update delays

I’m currently job hunting, moving, spending time with my smokin’ hot girlfriend… More recaps are definitely on the way — this show is a hilarious hot mess, so writing about it makes me strangely happy.  However, no one’s paying me, so screw time tables!

Episode 2 — “You’re a fuckin’ asshole”

This episode starts out with Whitney saying, “What kind of lesbian am I?” tilting her head upward, and responding “KRRRSHHHH” to herself.

I love this show!!

The opening interviews this week are the ladies attempting to label themselves with what type of lesbian they feel they are.

• Nikki – A lipstick lesbian (although she claims she can be butch too)
• Mikey – Not a lipstick lesbian (despite the fact that her lipstick sparkles under the lights as she’s saying it) — “A Mikey lesbian”
• Tracy – A lesbian like anybody else (in other words, she hasn’t ever thought about it)
• Rose – A Renaissance lesbian (which means “a little bit of everything”)
• Jill – Not actually a lesbian (more on this later)
• Whitney – A hard femme/soft butch (she has clearly thought about it… a lot)

Jill makes the only valid point:  “You’d never ask a straight person what kind of straight person they are.”

WHITNEY

The episode begins with Whitney claiming, “I didn’t want to circle the airport and pick up another girl.  It just panned out that way.”  I hate when that happens!  It’s like when you go to Blockbuster to return a movie and don’t intend on getting another movie, but you see Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws on the shelf out of the corner of your eye and feel you have no choice but to get it.  It’s totally like that.

Whitney’s friend Tor is moving to LA from Connecticut.  She’s a hair stylist for film.  (Sara from last week also did hair — Whitney apparently finds hair styling very sexy.)  It’s edited in such a way that it seems Tor is moving to LA to not only further her career, but because she and Whitney hooked up a few months prior.   However, later we learn that Tor is Alyssa’s cousin.  (Alyssa is Whitney’s roomie, best friend, business partner, and The Voice of Reason.)   And we also learn that Whitney and Tor worked together in Florida at one point.   So I suppose they’re basically giving family/a friend a place to stay until she “finds out what she’s doing.”  However, she’s staying in Whitney’s bedroom, and Whitney claims they’re U-Hauling it without ever dating.  It’s all very confusing… kind of like the plot of Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws.

Alyssa spends a lot of time looking at the pair with a concerned look on her face.  She thinks the two might be a good pair, but worries that Tor will get her heart broken.  Whitney eloquently sums it all up by saying, “KRRRSHHHHH I need to figure things out.”   Yeah, she does; she needs to figure out how to balance 7489247923 girls at once.  Tough times all around.

Later, we catch up with Whitney again at The Abbey where she intended to have only one mid-afternoon drink.  Apparently, ALL of Whitney’s friends showed up, so she just had to stay until well into the evening.  Sigh.  The things we do for our friends sometimes…

Surprisingly, Romi shows up.  Weird!  I’m sure it was 100% coincidence and not a friend who texted her: “Omfg!  At Abbey — Whitslut is here!”

Romi is fucking stupid.  End of story.  She wishes that Whitney would tell her what the situation is.  I’m starting to get tired of hearing about “the situation” from Whitney and her women.  I’ll tell you what the situation is, ladies.  It’s this:

Or it might as well be.  Either way, it’s best to run wildly in the opposite direction and never, ever look back.

However, Romi insists on being stupid.  Whitney has made it rather clear that she just wants to be friends with Romi, but this hasn’t sunk in.  Romi still wonders what is going on between them.  Clearly, she’s young and hasn’t experienced a player of Whitney’s caliber yet.

Allow me a moment to explain the type of player Whitney is.  In my opinion, she is the most insidious of all players.  She actually believes on some level that she might potentially have a relationship with each woman she meets.  Therefore, even though the other woman might know about her player reputation, Whitney gives out small hints which lead each woman to believe she might be the one to change her ways.  She gives each woman the vague impression that she might be “the one.”  This is a very tempting offer for the type of woman with whom Whitney seems to enjoys dating.  She likes to date nice women because on some level she doesn’t want to be a player.  She wants to settle down… just not right this minute. For example, she probably dates the type of women who will say her singing isn’t bad even though she might sound like a cat dying from a terminal vocal cord disease.  She dates a woman who wants to get married and have puppies and children — a women who really want to find “the one.”

She also likes very hot women.  Hot young women, in general, don’t have a lot of  experience with getting played.  This is a positive and a negative for the type of player.  Women who have been played before either avoid women like Whitney, or catch on pretty quickly and head for the hills.  No more sexy time for the player.  Darn.  Women who have not been played are generally oblivious to the initial signs, which is good for the player, but once they do begin to sense what is happening they tend to lose their friggin’ minds.  They think, “This happens to other people, not me!  This only happens to ugly girls!”  … And that’s when the insanity begins.  They don’t head for the hills; they become needy stalkers.  They refuse to accept their fate and insist that the other person go back to being a potential “the one.”  This type of player likes being seen as “the one” and happily takes on the role just as long as she doesn’t have to be “the one” for only one woman… and madness ensues.

How do I know this?  Hmm… let us not speak of such matters.  On with the recap!

Romi insists on knowing where things are going with Whitney.  Whitney explains that they “unindubitably” have chemistry but that there is “just a fuckin’ mish-mosh situation going on” in her life.  Did I mention that Whitney started drinking mid-afternoon?  Yeah.  It’s nighttime now.  She’s making up words and babbling rather hardcore.  Apparently, Romi finds babbling drunks attractive because she randomly starts kissing Whitney.

This leads to an astute observation from Whitney:  “I feel like this is a common theme that lesbians do.  They fight one second, and then they’re making out the next.”

I’ve never done a theme before, but the very first theme I plan do is totally fighting one second and making out the next.

When they finally leave the bar, Whitney asks Taylor, “What did I just do?”  Taylor insightfully replies, “You’re just doing you.”

Wow.  I can’t get over how wise these women are.

Later, we join Whitney at her home while she talks on her cell phone to Romi.

It’s basically little more than a rehash of the conversation they had at the bar.  Romi wants to know what is going on and if they have potential, and Whitney babbles about how sexy she thnks Romi is.  Basically, Whitney just wants to have sex while Romi is hearing wedding bells in the distance.

A complication arises when Alyssa comes out and reminds Whitney that Tor is waiting inside for her.  Whitney’s only concern is whether or not she can be heard inside.  Alyssa gives her a sustained look of disapproval as Whitney conspiratorially explains that she’s on the phone.  Eventually, Alyssa feels she has glared enough and goes back inside.

Whitney gets back on the phone and says, “No I was just telling my roommate that asked me if I wanted a drink.”  I’m not sure if that was a lie or just a random jumble of words.  I don’t think Whitney does either because she looks at the camera and grins in a cheshire cat sort of way.

The next scene with Whitney actually involves something that reveals her to have a side beyond drunken player.  Wow!  I’m impressed.  She even knows how to calculate percentages!  Poor Alyssa, on the other hand, doesn’t.

Alyssa:  How do we figure out 30%?

Whitney: What do you mean?  Times point 3.

Alyssa: Of what? … I’mma let you do the math.

It’s okay, Alyssa.  I still think you’re pretty cool.

In this scene we learn that Whitney and Alyssa have a little business where they do special effect makeup and props for films.  On the day they filmed this, they were working on a film called Voodoo Cowboy.  Sweet.  The two women have to make a body mold for the film, so they recruit a mildly unwilling young woman to get covered with purple goo.  She worries about her eyebrows coming off in the process and demands $300 to get new eyebrows if her eyebrows do indeed come off.

This reminds me of the time Mama Cass was on Scooby Doo.

As Alyssa and Whitney cover the woman with goo, Whitney talks about how she got Guillain–Barré syndrome from a vaccine.  The experience taught her to live life to the fullest.  I’m assuming this lesson also encompasses sleeping with as many women as possible.

In the next scene with Whitney, we get an EXTREME close-up of her grabbing Tor’s ass.

Alyssa said something about something, but no one was paying attention… especially the camera crew.

We then get some insight into Tor:

If you can get me going, like, make me smile and shit.   Like, I’ll love you.  Like, guy, girl, whatever, I don’t really give a shit.

They then decide to get naked and scissor.

That’s all I feel like writing about Whitney.  There’s even MORE shit about Romi and blah blah… Alyssa gives her good advice, but Whitney still doesn’t know what to do.  Blah.  Moving on.

MIKEY

Mikey’s back to working on LA Fashion Week.  It’s 7 weeks away, so she’s fretting over the details.

Before I go on, I’d like to explain something to the less fashion-forward among us.  There is no LA Fashion Week.  It’s actually LA Fashion Weekend, and it’s something Mikey herself created.  Just as she likes to pretend she has a 12-inch penis, she likes to pretend she’s producing a fashion week comparable to those of New York, London, Milan, and Paris.  I’m not knocking her effort to bring high fashion to LA, but let’s be clear… this ain’t no Bryant Park.  It’s kind of cool that she’s so driven and excited about her career, but whateverrrrr.

Here’s a little background on Mikey:

I was born and raised in Los Angeles. Actually, in the Culver City projects.  Where I grew up we’d have drive-by shootings every night.  When I was about 9 years old, I had my best friend shot and killed right next to me. It was just a really hard life.

Sounds pretty scary.  Maybe this is why she likes to talk about penises?   Not sure.  I’m no psychologist!

Aaaanyway, let’s talk about how Mikey’s a douche!  We see her at a function where she’s being inducted into the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce.  She shows up with her assistant and Anna the intern.  (Yay!  She’s still alive!)   She forces Anna and the assistant to sit on either side of her because she “likes to be in the middle of all the hot chicks.”  Is that sexual harassment?  I think it might be.  Anna and Assistant (I can’t remember her name… shhhh) chuckle though, so it must be okay.

A woman with a plate of brownies comes around and offers them to the ladies.  Mikey asks if they’re “special” brownies and declines them when she finds out they’re not.

Assistant then says, “I wonder if Raquel is here.”  Mikey gets a sad face in response.  Apparently, Raquel is MIA.  Mikey assumes her phone is probably dead since “it’s going straight to voicemail.”  Mikey is clearly not enjoying her big evening because Raquel isn’t there.  Aww.  She’s smitten.  Mikey texts constantly and looks forlorn as a parade of men go up to accept their Chamber of Commerce plaques. Eventually she goes up to accept her plaque, and in true Mikey style says, “I wanna tell you that my plaque is bigger than yours, but apparently they’re all the same size.”  The man to which she says this chuckles and she continues, “We’ll whip ‘em out later and compare size if you want, though.”

Oh Mikey, you’re such a card.  I wish I had your flare for witty dick jokes.

Overall, she was totally sad that Raquel wasn’t there.  The massive smile she had on her face when Raquel did show up was actually rather endearing, but she’s still a douche.

TRACY

Tracy’s girlfriend Stamie has 3 children.

Stamie quote:

If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be runnin’ down Ventura Blvd, and I’d have to stop her… with my vehicle.

Wow.  Hopefully Tracy doesn’t take any seconds to think about it.  I hear getting stopped by a vehicle isn’t exactly a pleasant experience.

Wait.  Oh no! I think she’s thinking about it right here:

Take Stamie’s car keys before you start running down Ventura, Tracy!  For the love of god, take the keys!!!

Actually, Stamie’s pretty funny (she’s a stand-up comedian).  I’m trying to figure out why she likes Tracy beyond the fact that she doesn’t seem to care (for now) that she has 3 kids.  I figure that and Tracy’s hotness are probably the only reasons.  I’ve seen relationships based on less.

After playing some basketball, the pair go to The Abbey with some friends where they see Whitney for a few minutes.  We learn that Whitney has a crush on Tracy, and we’re led to believe that Stamie is able to sense this and has this reaction:

Grrrr! Grunt.  Tracy Stamie girlfriend.  Tracy not Whitney girlfriend.  Grunt.  …. Or perhaps she’s just bored and wishing she hadn’t left her sunglasses at home. (edit: or uhh *cough* on top of her head.  I noticed that.  I swear.)

Later, Tracy goes to a restaurant where she meets up with her good friend Michael.  They’re very close.  So close, in fact, that she calls him her “ear.”  Trippy. At one point she says to him, “I miss the dudes.  Do they even know that I’m… [blink pause blink]… dating someone new?” to which Michael responds, “I don’t know.  They know that you’re like… [weird hand gestures]… in the community… [more weird hand gestures]… of… [air quotes]… gays.”

Clearly, Tracy and her ear ain’t all that comfy with her sexuality yet… which is, of course, the perfect time to get involved with a woman and her three kids.

Poor inexperienced Tracy.  If I could run down Ventura Blvd for her, I would.

The next time we see Tracy, she’s getting a 6:17am wake-up call from a very short human being who is wondering where the dog is.  Tracy wonders where Stamie is because she’s not in bed.  Luckily, the dog is!  In fact, he’s sleeping between her legs… under the covers.  Aw.  Tracy seems far more excited to see the dog than she does the child.  We then get this quote:

I didn’t really think about the whole grand scheme — the huge picture of dating somebody with kids.  …  I knew she had kids, but you don’t really put it together until you wake up in the morning with them there.

She goes on to basically say (and I’m paraphrasing), “Oh shit, this is scarier than I realized.”  Run, Tracy… RUN NOW!  For the love of pot brownies, RUN!

NIKKI & JILL

This week’s boring subplot begins with the duo meeting up with a woman named Lisa Diamond who wrote some book about female sexual fluidity.  I think they’re going to make a film based on the book.  I fell asleep a little, so I’m not 100% sure.  Anyway, Jill is a writer and Nikki is a producer.  How… convenient.  I suppose together they could get any sort of film they wanted off the ground.  Again, very convenient.  I wonder if Jill realized how convenient that would be when she moved down from San Francisco.  Something to ponder.  Shockingly, the book about sexual fluidity is one that’s very close to Jill’s heart.  In fact, she gave it to her parents to explain her own sexuality when she came out to them.

For those who aren’t quite sure what sexual fluidity means, here is Jill’s explanation:

For me it’s still about the person versus the gender.  I think some might argue, “Well, isn’t that bisexuality?”  Bisexuality still positions you as liking men and liking women.  I’m coming at it from the point of, “I want to like the person.”

I can totally relate to this.  Personally, I don’t like up, down, forward, backward, left, right, or diagonally.  I just like directions!

She goes on to say,

I am 100% comfortable saying I’m in love with a woman.  I am 60% comfortable with saying I’m openly gay.  It doesn’t feel… like it fits.

Again, I can totally relate.  I have this really cool t-shirt, and I’m 100% comfortable saying it’s cool, but I’m only 60% comfortable wearing it because it doesn’t fit quite right.  Life can be sooo complicated sometimes.

In a scene with a bit more action, we see Nikki and Jill driving to LAX to pick up Jill’s bff.  His name is Derrick, or as Nikki hollers out the window at him, D-Money.

Apparently Jill and D-Money have been friends for about 8 years and at one time had some chemistry… or something.   Through some editing, we’re supposed to believe that Nikki is none too happy about D-Money and Jill doing a little friendship flirting in the car.

Or… maybe she’s just bored and wishing she hadn’t forgotten she was in LA and worn that leather coat and wool scarf.

We then get a EXTRA close-up on Jill’s engagement ring:

D-Money says, “It’s like Superman is inside it.”  Jill replies, “I have super powers.  I feel like Wonder Woman or Spider-Man.”

Don’t these people realize that none of these super heroes had power rings?  And why would Superman be inside of a ring?  That doesn’t even remotely make sense.  If anything, she should feel like Green Lantern.  Duh.

Nikki then replies, in a rather smug way, “You know… I gotta take care of my bitch.”  I laughed quite loudly at this as it was an obvious joke.  In fact, Nikki seems pretty cool despite her resemblance to Skeletor.  Too bad she’s stuck with Miss Sexual Fluidity.  If I could, I’d advise her to run wildly down Ventura Blvd as well.

ROSE

Rose’s bit this week centers around her and Natalie’s 7 month anniversary.  Apparently, they celebrate their anniversary on a monthly basis.  Rose isn’t quite sure why they do this.  In fact, she asks Natalie why while they’re putting their makeup on.

Natalie replies, “Because we don’t know if we’re going to make it past the month.”

I have two words for you, Natalie:  Ventura.  Boulevard.

Just sayin’ it now to get it out of the way.

On the way to their anniversary dinner, the fact that Natalie wants to have babies is brought up again.  Rose says she thinks if they were a straight couple that Natalie would poke holes in the condom.  Natalie is offended.  I think Rose might be on to something.

We move to the restaurant where Rose apologies “for all the bad things I did this month” and brings up the baby thing again.  Rose is clearly fuckin’ petrified of this baby stuff.  I don’t blame her.  They’ve been dating 7 months, for cryin’ out loud.  “We’re 7 months in and you want to be 9 months out.”  What’s with lesbians wanting babies so much?   Gross.

They then have a nice toast where Rose thanks Natalie for believing in her, and they exchange I love you’s.

Cut to Natalie telling Rose that she’s rather… harsh when she’s been drinking.   Rose responds by taking a bit swig of wine.

A huge bouquet of flowers is then delivered to the table, and Natalie is so happy she starts talking about her dream wedding.  Rose’s response: “In this conversation, baby, you’ve brought up babies and marriage.”  Natalie distracts that line of thinking with a kiss, and they dive right into a second toast:

Rose: Cheers to love.

Natalie: Cheers to our love.

Rose: Cheers to my love. You’re lucky you got it.

Seriously?  I would break up with that chick so fast her head would literally spin off her body from the speed I left the room.   There’s confidence, and then there’s egotistical bitch.

Finally, the bipolar dinner ends, and we’re forced to watch treated to some softcore porn:

The next scene with Rose focuses on her dad.  He tries to convince her that she should date Natalie and have kids because she’s 30-something.  She’s actually 35.  If she hasn’t decided she wants kids by 35, she should NEVER have kids.  End of story.  Your dad is wrong, Rose!!

Note to Rose:

Don’t be stupid and get in over your head.  Don’t screw with a kid’s life because you wish you were a different person.  I advise running the opposite way down Ventura Blvd.

Final scene:  Drinking night at Rose’s apartment!!  Woohoo!

This party involves a few basic components:  Vodka, lesbians, MGD, Natalie lurking on the outskirts doing nothing but moping, texting, and watching Rose, jell-o shots, some chick’s boobies, neon pink lipstick, Rose talking VERY loudly while saying things like “chill out, dude,” and “you’re just being… catwalk” (edit: apparently she says catwot which means complete and total waste of time — ouch), a bunch of people high-fiving Rose while calling her an asshole, Bud Light, and late-night lesbian processing.

So basically, it’s a pretty normal lesbian party.

My opinion:

Rose was a complete douche during this party, but at the same time it’s because her and Natalie aren’t right for each other.  Rose wants to be a different person, but she’s not.  She wants to be in love with Natalie, but she’s not.  Deep down, Rose just wants that shit to end, and she thinks if she’s a big enough asshole Natalie will just go away on her own.  Been there, done that, not proud of it.

And that ends our recap for this week.

Excuse me while I run down Ventura Blvd… and pick up some beer.  I need it after that.

P.S.  You’re allowed to comment… I won’t bite and you don’t have to register.

Episode One — “The hot bitches have arrived”

Welcome to the first of my The Real L Word recaps!  I’ve decided to break each woman’s story up into its own section because their paths don’t cross at all (with one brief exception).  Did anyone else not realize they didn’t know each other?  I was under the very false initial impression that they were all friends.  My bad.

WHITNEY

Whitney’s story begins at LAX where she picks up her two friends from San Francisco.  They’re named Sara (pronounced like Sara Ramirez) and Taylor.  Apparently, a year prior to the events taking place in this episode, Sara and Whitney met and had “instant chemistry” but due to dating other people, they couldn’t date each other.  It’s a story that truly tugged at my heart strings – a story older than time itself.  I mean, who hasn’t felt a deep, true connection with a woman and then dated someone else?  Happily, Sara and Whitney are single now and free to… do stuff.

Whitney, Sara, Taylor, and Whitney’s bff Scarlett all go to a bar called The Betty (ladies night at Fubar).  The four have, what looks like, a jolly good time.  They have some drinks, holler in each other’s ears, take pics in a photo booth, Sara dances on the bar and shows her boobies a little.  Fun!  Unfortunately, the fun doesn’t last long.  This other woman who Whitney had been dating shows up and the drama begins!  The woman’s name is Romy (I think), and Whitney freaks out when she sees her.  “This is bad,” she says repeatedly.  I never really quite grasped why it was so bad, but I could feel the badness of it just oozing from my TV screen.  Whitney goes outside the club to talk to Romy.  Poor Romy begins crying.  I wasn’t sure why she was crying, but she made me want to pat her on the shoulder in a comforting manner.  Apparently, people had been telling Romy that Whitney doesn’t want a girlfriend and doesn’t want to settle down with anyone.  Whitney doesn’t understand who would say that or why!  It makes her feel like a horrible person.  Poor Whitney.  Luckily, her bff is there to save the day.  She suggests, “Let’s drink!” And so they do… I think.  No one ever seems very drunk.

Cut to Whitney’s house.  Here we get a scene with Whitney talking to Romy on the phone.  They have a heartfelt conversation about just being friends.  It’s good – or at least Whitney seems to think so.  She celebrates by hopping into bed with Sara.  Yay!

The next day we meet Whitney’s three roommates, Alyssa, Che (sp?), and Mike, and their five dogs.  They seem like very nice young ladies/man/dogs.  Sara, “the sexy mama in the kitchen” cooks dinner for everyone, and Whitney is understandably impressed with her knife skills.  I mean, being able to chop garlic is a real talent.  I hear there are only about 10 people in the whole world who can do it!

This is when we learn our first The Real L Word definitions and phrases!  Get out your pencils, ladies and gentlemen, you’ll want to take notes!

• Pumps – Feminine girls.  Example: Women who “wear high heels even though you know that shit hurts.”

• Pants – “Know how to swing a hammer.  They’re usually the one in control.”

Those new terms are getting integrated into my vocabulary as soon as humanly possible.

After dinner, we join Whitney, Alyssa, and Whitney’s friend Angie for a deep fireside chat.  Angie asks Whitney how she doesn’t understand women when she “fucks so many of them.”  Apparently, not understanding women despite fucking many is magical in Angie’s eyes.  She declares Whitney a lesbian magician who has harnessed the “power of the clam.” (Pictured above.)  I think this is similar to nipple confidence.  Wow!  It really IS the real L Word!  Anyway, this deep conversation goes on for a long time.  Alyssa is the voice of reason and gives her some decent advice, but I have a theory that Whitney’s dreadlocks thwart her ability to retain anything anyone says to her.

The next time we see Whitney, she’s going to Crown Bar. Long story short, Whitney meets Tracy (I’ll talk more about her in a later section), and they seem to like each other.  However, when it comes to introducing Sara, she doesn’t know how to respond to Tracy’s question, “Are you two dating?”  Oh no!  What a hard question!  I’m glad I’ve never been asked that question.  Yikes.  Whitney ends up saying “uhhh” in response.  Phew.  You really pulled it out, Whitney.  I’m proud of you, girl.  Eventually, after a lot of passive-aggressive mean looks directed toward Whitney’s general direction, Sara admits she’s mad.  The two then process this information in a bathroom stall.  Once they’re done in the stall, they go to process the information while leaning against a car.   After a bit more processing at home, they have sex!  Yay!  And whoa!  Porn sounds everywhere!

The next day, Whitney takes Sara back to the airport, but only after giving us these words of wisdom: “Lust is easy… Love is hard.  Lust is exciting.  Love is scary.”  Wow.  She changed my life with those words.  I swear.

Cliffhanger for next week:  After taking Sara to the departures gate, Whitney goes straight to arrivals and picks another girl up.  I kid you not.

TRACY

I started with Whitney’s part of the show because hers was by far the longest and most drama-filled.  Tracy’s was probably the shortest.

Tracy works really hard.  I’m not sure what she does, but she apparently works 24/7.  Strangely, the only time we see her is at the beach, lounging around at home, and at a club.  So far, we don’t know a lot about her.  She’s dating a woman named Stamie.  They’ve been dating for about 4 months, and it struck me as a very strange relationship. It seems kind of like if Jo from the Facts of Life dated Marissa from The OC.  Yikes!  Stamie has 3 children (joint custody with her ex girlfriend).  Tracy seemed awkward around the kids, and I got the distinct impression she wished they were not there.

Now, I’m not a fan of children, so I have trouble being subjective here.  I’d rather gnaw my own arm off than ever share my living space with a child, so I’m probably projecting a bit, but I think Tracy doesn’t like the concept of having the kids around.

There isn’t much of a story with her this week.  The only real action happened at the club when she met Whitney.  I’m rooting for her to hook up with Whitney!  Imagine it: Tracy and Whitney harnessing the power of the clam together!  It doesn’t get better than that.

MIKEY

I always wondered who drove the douchemobile.  Now I know.  Mikey is, in fact, the owner and driver of the fabled douchemobile.

She works for a PR & marketing firm which produces fashion events such as fashion week.  She dates a makeup artist named Raquel.  Strangely, their relationship seems relatively sane.  I assume it’s because they’re both insane.

In this episode, we see Mikey at work where she’s casting models for a runway show.   Unfortunately, a bunch of really shitty wannabe models with no experience show up.  This makes Mikey angry.  (Advice: never make Mikey angry.)   Mikey angrily asks who sent all the asstacular models, and calls up their modeling agency in an angry manner.  She yells angrily on the phone and ends up telling the woman on the other end that she will never work with her agency again!! GRR!! ARGH!  ANGRY!! Unfortunately, the reason the agency was called in the first place was because of a very frightened intern named Anna.  Poor Anna looked like she was about to throw up on her shoes.  I hope Anna lived to fuck up another day.  I’m honestly kind of worried.

Theory: Mikey wears sunglasses all the time to hide the fact that her eyes turn bright red when she’s angry.

The next scene where we see Mikey takes place in her home.  Apparently, she can’t cook and has to wait for Raquel to get home in order to eat.  Wow.  Literally not being able to cook must be quite a hardship.  I’m glad I haven’t been cursed with this affliction.  Raquel cooks some tiny chicken and a tiny bit of broccoli for each of them.   Yum?

There’s a short scene with Mikey and Raquel right before they go to bed.  I’m not sure what to say about it.  I’ll just leave you with these quotes:

I’ll have a couple cocktails, so by the time she comes home, I think I’m the man, and I have like, a 12″ cock, and you know… probably try to pull her pants down or you know, put my hands up her skirt, or you know… something inappropriate like that. ~ Mikey

I think we’re totally in love.  It’s a Romeo and Juliet story, but they woke up, and they reconnected, and they’re living their lives somewhere. ~ Raquel

Say what?

NIKKI AND JILL

These two don’t get separate sections because they’re one of those gross couples who is never apart.  They spend most of their time in the first episode planning their wedding.  Gross.  Anyone who knows me knows I despise marriage in general.  Yes, I think gays should have the right to get married, but personally, I think the whole thing is antiquated and a giant waste of money.  These two have only know each other for about a year, and they’re already getting gay married.  Gross.  I don’t want to write about these two, but I feel I must, so here’s a bullet pointed list:

• They’re planning their wedding.
• They argue over wedding dresses.
• Jill thinks weddings are expensive.
• Nikki thinks money is no object.
• Nikki looks like Skeletor. (Illustration below)
• Nikki mentions that she doesn’t want to wear anything too low cut for the wedding because she fears having an “ass chest.” (Jill’s reaction is pictured above.)
• Jill and Nikki met at camp when they were kids and reconnected 25 yrs later on a website.
• They are both ridiculously skinny.
• They both have Apple laptops.
• Jill seems to actually think Nikki is attractive.
• They’re lame.
• They’re boring.
• Did I mention the scary Skeletor thing?
• Jill seems like she doesn’t want to marry Skeletor.  Perhaps I’m projecting again.
• I hate them.
• A lot.

Separated at birth?

ROSE

In my opinion, Rose seems like the only sane one out of the bunch.  She’s a self-professed player, but I can’t really blame her.  She’s smokin’ hot.

Rose seems to have a really nice family that cooks and eats a lot of food.  They also like her girlfriend.  Aww.  How nice.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t speak to her mother.  She doesn’t explain why, but I sense mother/daughter reality scenes coming in the future.

Rose really likes the ladies, and the ladies really like her.  Unfortunately for the ladies, Rose is currently in a serious relationship.  However, her attempt at a monogamous relationship seems to be tentative at best.  It’s  pretty clear that Rose’s girlfriend Natalie is WAY more into the relationship than she is.  There is even a moment where Natalie brings up having children.  Natalie explains to Rose’s family that they have a plan all set out for it already.  Someone in the family then asks if Octomom will donate sperm… uhh, or something.  Ahem.  Anyway, Rose doesn’t seem to recall said plan at all.  Weird.

I believe Rose’s head literally began to explode in that scene (as pictured above).

I don’t blame her.

Rose and Natalie have been dating for 7 months.  However, Rose is still flirting with the ladies when they go to the club.  Hmm.  Allow me to digress for a moment.  I’m no expert on this, but I’m in a relationship, and I never feel the desire to flirt with anyone else.  Is that strange?  In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I realize that these ladies are making me feel like the strangest lesbian to ever walk the earth!   Weird.  Aaanyway, Rose and Natalie spend a lot of time processing the fact that Rose used to be a big player.  Natalie is jealous, insecure, blah, blah… bleh.  This one actually is a story as old as time.  Wake me up when something interesting happens with these two.  I hope Rose cheats on Natalie… with Whitney… or maybe Tracy.  Oh no, wait!  Skeletor!  Yessss!  Then we wouldn’t have to hear about that stupid wedding anymore!  Oh man… I already can’t wait until next week!

BONUS:

A scan of the notes I took as I watched the show (click to enlarge):

It’s 100% fucking real

As you can probably tell from this page’s header, I’ve been inspired to begin this blog by Showtime’s new show The Real L Word.  It’s starts on June 20th and looks like it’ll be, as my mama woulda said, somethin’ else… followed by a sad shake of her head and a piteous look on her face.

Here’s a link to the show in case you want to check it out: The Real L Word

I’ve done a quick artist’s rendition of the picture on the main site:

Yay! I like doing art.  See how I put the weird purple thing in over the middle chick’s naughty bits and covered their stick boobs with palm trees?  I wonder if this is the first piece of fan art for The Real L Word.  I hope so!  Maybe they’ll frame it and put it in their dressing rooms like Lady Gaga does with the art her fans send her.  A girl can dream!

Oh, wait.  I almost forgot.  They don’t have dressing rooms because this is a reality show.  It’s really real lesbians doing really real things!  What?  You don’t believe me?  I’ll prove it to you by sharing a quote or two from each lady.  These quotes were taken from a video I found under the podcasts link.

I grew up in the projects with Crips on one side and Bloods on the other shootin’ each other every night.

It doesn’t matter, ya know, what ya got between your legs or who you’re sleepin’ with in bed.

I could be fucked.

I mean, here we are.  This is real.

I hate bein’ single, dude.  That’s why I fuck like five girls at a time.

Cover your mouth.  Ow, that’s my hair.

There isn’t anything different about Jill and I besides the fact that we are two women.  I mean, I say we’re like the straightest gay couple I know.

I just wanna lift that pressure and say, hey, ya know, you can just live and be and it’s not that big of a deal.

I have faith that the show is gonna, you know, really accurately portray who we are and wanna celebrate us.

See?!  Wow… that was real.  It was like looking in a mirror.  A funhouse mirror.  A funhouse mirror in a horror movie where clowns and mimes attack from all sides.

Yikes.

Join me each week for recaps of this season’s The Real L Word!   Ilene Chaiken has never entertained you like this.